so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
