I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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