Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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