May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
