My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize