Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
