hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I love having hate sex.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
