I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
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she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
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I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.