She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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