I just saw a hot homeless man
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
