They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
bring money and cleavage
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
