Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
