literally had 100 drinks last night.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
