her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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