your parents love me but you hate me
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
we made out on top of his cat.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
