your parents love me but you hate me
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
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Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
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I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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