is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
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new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
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Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!