Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.