Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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