pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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