dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
