My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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