I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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