I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..