remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat