you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
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We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
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It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.