im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
whose parrot is this?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.