I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
