I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
