I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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