Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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