i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
