walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
