Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
