Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
