Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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