I'm going to jail i love you
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
