Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
