i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
