went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
