I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
PANTIES FOUND
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