i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
