He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
