I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
