I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
