You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
no. you can't hotbox the world.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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