I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
