You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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