Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
BRING THE BAGELS
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
