you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
