1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
