I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
