Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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