And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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