The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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