somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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