Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
