Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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