I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
