I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
